Blister

So far, so successful. I haven't eaten today, all that's gone through me is liquid. Though I managed to throw a fresh cup of tea down myself this morning and burn my legs/stomach. I'm telling myself that it's a sign that the tea cleanse is burning off the fat in my belly and thighs but, to be honest, it's more likely to be a sign that I am clumsy at the best of times and worse when I'm ill. I suppose we see what we want to see, and the scales tomorrow will show either way.

I have had this snaky, writhing feeling in my guts for most of the day. It woke me up in the night and it's been there in waves all day. It's pretty unpleasant. I used to get this feeling as a kid when I hadn't done homework for a scary teacher and was expecting to be yelled at - a kind of sickening trepidation.

It doesn't help that Aurboda is angry with me about something. She was absolutely fine on the walk to work then as soon as we were there her mood flipped and she was short with me all day. I asked her a couple of times if I'd done something and she said no, but towards the end of the day she admitted that I'd "massively upset" her somehow but that she didn't want to talk about it until we were home. I left work early because I didn't have a lunch break, so I'm kind of sitting here with a belly full of worry-snakes and tea waiting for her to come home and tell me what I'm meant to have done. To be fair there's a few things it could have been. I guess I'm not a very good friend.

Well, ok, that's not really fair, I can be a good friend. I can be enormously caring and generous and kind and passionate one loyal and lovely. I can. But at the same time I can be really horrible to be around. I think the problem is that I find most people a bit boring. That's a terrible thing to say but it's true. Most people just don't engage my interest for that long. Some of my favourite people are people I only see in short bursts because we live far apart or we have different circles or we're busy. It means we make time for each other, catch up, love each other all over again, then go our separate ways and I don't get bored and they don't see how broken I really am under the joy of seeing them. Maybe they feel exactly the same towards me, I don't know.

The long and short of all that is that I'm sure I'm extremely difficult to live with. Between my crappy sleeping habits, up-and-down moods, messiness, carelessness and minuscule attention span I can see how I'd be a nightmare to be with for protracted periods. I imagine it doesn't help that it's in my nature to bottle my thoughts and feelings until the absolutely have to vomit forth. It's given me trouble in the past one way or another and I've actually hurt people I care about pretty badly as a result. It's a pretty terrible flaw in my character and one I really would like to work on. I'm defensive and non-confrontational but everyone tells me that a little confrontation is healthy.

Well, I'm pretty sure there'll be some confrontation once my housemate returns.

I really do feel spectacularly unwell. It's not even just a queasy feeling, my guts actually hurt me. Can you overdose on fruit tea? I know for sure that it has mobilised my sluggish digestive system (sorry), maybe that's what it is. I'm giving my innards a really aggressive, minty wash. After the shit I ate on Tuesday it's probably exactly what I needed, even if it's meant I've been biting back tears all day.

(I just googled, apparently mint tea relaxes your organs or something and can loosen up gas and things, maybe that's all it is. Again, sorry!)

Gosh, I've had a lot to say today. I expect I'll have plenty more once Aurboda gets home later.

Niord, this guy I've hooked up with a few times, got in touch today. I'm not sure what I actually think of him. We met at a conference a couple of years ago and (at the risk of sounding like a complete jerk) I didn't really notice him because I got a lot of attention as one of the few females there, and the only one not in a relationship. I spent the night with a different guy and I didn't really remember Niord beyond his face in a crowd. We're part of a professional network so he added me on twitter and started messaging me on there, showing interest. It was flattering but I didn't really reciprocate and at the time I was nearer my HW and not really in any fit state to be contemplating anything romantic or sexual. I didn't feel particularly desirable.

He badgered me a bit for quite a while, saying he'd wanted me when he first saw me and was disappointed not to have "linked up" (his words) when we first met. I batted him back and told him that I was happy to get reacquainted and catch up over drinks but he made it pretty clear that he really just wanted to fuck me. Well, you know, sometimes that's good to hear, and his honesty was kind of refreshing. So many guys pretend to be interested in me as a human and turn out to only be interested in fucking, so it was a novelty to have someone admit upfront that they thought I was cool but they were more interested in getting to know what was between my legs than what was between my ears.

So at a low ebb I went to see him in his flat. Which he bought after he sold his first company. At 24. That in and of itself was pretty appealing. After years of dating students it was nice to be around someone in a good suit with a real career and serious money.

Yes, obviously I had sex with him.

I think the fact that I fucked him in every room in his flat and bit him and didn't flinch when he brought out toys really piqued his interest. I don't think he meets a lot of girls like me. I'm not saying that to be conceited, I mean it in the sense that I'm not really a slick, professional woman with a portfolio and MAC lipstick. He seems to spend most of his time at work (in a starchy office) or at home, working. I'm outside his "zone". I'm a novelty for him. Which is probably why he's been pursuing me.

A few months back he asked me if I was home alone, in the middle of the night, and when I said I was he offered to come over and at the time I couldn't think of any reason to reject him. Despite the fact that I had a boyfriend (I know, I know, I'm not a saint, ok? I'm a terrible person). When we'd exhausted ourselves I told him that I didn't expect him to stay and if he did he'd have to take the sofa. I wasn't trying to be cold or coy, I just prefer to sleep alone. He was so surprised.

Anyways, the reason I'm talking about him is that he got in touch today. Apparently he loves fucking me and is delighted that I'm back on the market. I still turned him down. Casual sex has really just lost all appeal. Between hating the way I look right now and my sex drive dying a death months ago I don't really want to. I feel gross and I'd rather leave him wanting more.

-

So Aurboda just came home.

Apparently everyone at work has told her that I told my boss that she's lazy and that her boyfriend spent the whole day at work the other day to save my own skin, when she's the one who fought for me when my boss (and his boss) wanted to fire me. She wouldn't let me get a word in edgeways but said on several occasions "I thought we were friends but clearly that's not true" which, frankly, is a little melodramatic. The funny thing is she's not been told the things I ACTUALLY said but she's been told that stuff I wanted to say and didn't. Which is odd. She didn't even hear to from my boss, the one I actually spoke to, but from other people who apparently told her not to trust me. Maybe she'd be even angrier if the stuff I actually said had been fed back to her. I have no idea. Regardless, she shouted at me, didn't let me defend myself then stormed off into her room. The rest of this tenancy is going to be pretty awkward. Hooray for fixed leases.

To be honest we don't spend too much time together anyway but still... I don't really know what to do.