16.11
So as it turns out I broke up with Halsand, but it didn't fucking stick. He swears blind he'll have pulled the plug on his marriage by the end of August. If not I'm going to have to give him the shove for good.
I'm really struggling to get in the mindset. Do I not hate myself enough? It feels like I should. Am I just complacent? Have I given up?
Someone, please, give me an addiction to emptiness.
Wednesday 25 July 2018
Sunday 1 July 2018
Blood
16.10
So that was a bust, because of course it was.
Tomorrow marks a year since I blocked and deleted Halsand from my life for 6 months, and I'm honestly thinking I should just do it again. I don't know right now if my motivation for ending things is purely because it's the only thing I can do. I can't control any aspect of the relationship besides ending it.
I've been speaking to Stein for well over a month now, and it's amazing how we've both grown up so much and yet the best of the playfulness that came some easily to us is still very much a presence. I'm not saying I've fallen back in love with him, but it's certainly something I can envision happening if we spend any real time together. Thankfully he lives hundreds of miles away and I'm broke so the chances of me dropping nearly £100 on enough petrol to drive to his place and back are pretty fucking slim.
Unlike me.
I am very fucking fat.
I haven't gained any weight in the last month (on balance, in any case. I shot up and down but seem to have landed where I started when I logged back in here in May.)
That said, with Stein I do feel like I'm maybe just a distraction while he's at work because I barely hear from him at weekends. I don't know. I really don't know. It's all so weird and complicated.
When I think about it, I believe that my parents' relationship is pretty amazing considering that they are both quite difficult, damaged people. They've been married for 27 years, dating since they were 18. But I forget that my mum was dating someone else when they met, and dated them both for a while. Maybe it's in my blood to want more than one lover can give me. Or, at least, more than any of mine are willing or able to commit.
I don't have any food in my house. I'm thinking of going raw vegan for the foreseeable. Being vegan was so good for my soul, and so good for my body. Watermelon for lunch was a very good start.
It's Monday tomorrow. I'm seeing Halsand on Thursday. We'll see what happens then, I guess, but I'd be lying if I said I Wasn't tempted to block him right now without warning.
So that was a bust, because of course it was.
Tomorrow marks a year since I blocked and deleted Halsand from my life for 6 months, and I'm honestly thinking I should just do it again. I don't know right now if my motivation for ending things is purely because it's the only thing I can do. I can't control any aspect of the relationship besides ending it.
I've been speaking to Stein for well over a month now, and it's amazing how we've both grown up so much and yet the best of the playfulness that came some easily to us is still very much a presence. I'm not saying I've fallen back in love with him, but it's certainly something I can envision happening if we spend any real time together. Thankfully he lives hundreds of miles away and I'm broke so the chances of me dropping nearly £100 on enough petrol to drive to his place and back are pretty fucking slim.
Unlike me.
I am very fucking fat.
I haven't gained any weight in the last month (on balance, in any case. I shot up and down but seem to have landed where I started when I logged back in here in May.)
That said, with Stein I do feel like I'm maybe just a distraction while he's at work because I barely hear from him at weekends. I don't know. I really don't know. It's all so weird and complicated.
When I think about it, I believe that my parents' relationship is pretty amazing considering that they are both quite difficult, damaged people. They've been married for 27 years, dating since they were 18. But I forget that my mum was dating someone else when they met, and dated them both for a while. Maybe it's in my blood to want more than one lover can give me. Or, at least, more than any of mine are willing or able to commit.
I don't have any food in my house. I'm thinking of going raw vegan for the foreseeable. Being vegan was so good for my soul, and so good for my body. Watermelon for lunch was a very good start.
It's Monday tomorrow. I'm seeing Halsand on Thursday. We'll see what happens then, I guess, but I'd be lying if I said I Wasn't tempted to block him right now without warning.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)