Barre

15.5

Today I told work I was coming back. It's my last week in the same job until I start my writing job elsewhere. I've spoken to my boss and he's letting me do shorter days. This means I am going to fit in more physio and rehab. I've also decided to actually do my ballet workouts. I bought a leo, leggings, and overwear to dance in so I feel more like I know what I'm doing. My trainer is happy to work out with me morning or evening so I'm going to figure out whether ballet in the morning and cardio in the evening or vice versa is better. I need to get myself into a rhythm. Having weekends off, adding some structure to my week, is going to be a real help. I haven't had weekends in... erm... four years. Crikey.

Whatever size I always had pretty great flexibility. My stamina and upper body strength have always been terrible but my legs have always been strong, pliable, mobile. Even when I was an athlete and throwing discus for my county my strength was always in my legs. But now, between getting fat, getting lazy and getting sick, I'm in more or less the worst condition I think I've ever been. Physio and rehab are going to help rebuild me. no... not rebuild. Redesign.

Earlier I was playing a game on my phone where, if you fail, you have to start again from scratch and for some reason it reminded me of being 8 years old in my grandmother's garden using a lawn-chair-cushion as a crash-mat, trying to teach myself to do a walkover. I'd manage the handstand, manage to crab and then never make it all the way back over onto my feet. That didn't stop me getting back up and going again and again until the sun went down. I actually never managed it. When summer ended I just stopped trying.

I am not giving up on this.

I know, I know, being fitter and thinner is always going to improve your quality of life but it's never felt this real and relevant to me as when I thought I was dying. People say near-death experiences change your outlook on the life you have. For me, being told I had a terminal illness was MY near-death experience. I may be taking baby steps but I'm taking baby steps with pointed toes.

Structure is going to be my friend.