Pins

15.10

I’m back.

I tried finding happiness elsewhere. I tried to discover the joy in my body. I tried to ignore my casing and concentrate on the contents. But I couldn’t do it.

I fell for someone, someone else’s. Their love died before we met, but I catalysed the decay. My soul tells me that he was built for me, and that I am moulded for him. We’ll call him Loki. He is mischief and disorder. Since I told him in December that I love him my heart has burned. We’ve kissed and I’ve waited and some days I am sure that if I’m good enough, if I’m patient enough, if I love him enough, he’ll come to me for good and I’ll keep him like a promise.

But finding something to love in my body hasn’t worked. When he touches me I recoil. I guess he thinks that I don’t want him to touch me, but that’s only because I feel so flabby. I like his hands, so why would I let him lose them in my flesh? My whole carcass is like quicksand.

I found four dresses.

They don’t fit me yet but they will.

I have to lose six inches off my bust and another six off my waist to fit them.

I will.

I need to stay away from love for just a little while. I need to send the fire to my muscles and my guts and hope the flames make a furnace there the way they have in my heart.