Peel

I'm trying. Honestly, I am. 

So many things in my life are slotting into place. My job is fucking incredible. My fitness is improving and I train three days a week. I'm more consistent with writing my book than I have been in months. I have a man who really likes me and is keen to take care of me. I'm feeling the benefits of all of these things. 

So why does my life still feel kind of empty? 

I think my evenings, aside for my training, are kind of empty. I watch TV with my mum. That's pretty much it. My weekends seem full without anything ever being achieved. I don't think the guy I have is the right guy for me. I'm not being as creative as I want to be. And while I'm losing volume I'm not losing weight as fast as I want. 

Something is missing in my life. A sense of excitement or danger or a spark of some sort. I don't want to sound ungrateful, really I don't. Compared to the absolute misery of the end of last year I am living a total dream. But I just feel like there's a hole that needs filling. I know I've always been chasing thrills and that I thrive on a certain amount of chaos in the modern sense the word but I feel chaotic in the ancient sense of emptiness and wide nothingness. I feel like my fire is choking and I don't know why. 

I don't know why I feel down but I do. And I feel guilty for feeling down when things are going so well, because they are. I need something. 

And every day I miss Galakse. 

He got in touch on Monday night saying that he missed me and that he's getting better slowly but then didn't say anything else. I don't know what it think, really. I miss him too. I miss him a lot. But I'm so angry with him, I don't know what I'm supposed to feel. Mostly I feel sad and rejected. 

I'll be fine. I'm always fine. I'm doing a life drawing class on Friday so that will be cool. Maybe that will ignite something in me. I have no idea. 

I really can't organise my thoughts right now.