Snap

16.11

So as it turns out I broke up with Halsand, but it didn't fucking stick. He swears blind he'll have pulled the plug on his marriage by the end of August. If not I'm going to have to give him the shove for good.

I'm really struggling to get in the mindset. Do I not hate myself enough? It feels like I should. Am I just complacent? Have I given up?

Someone, please, give me an addiction to emptiness.

Blood

16.10

So that was a bust, because of course it was.

Tomorrow marks a year since I blocked and deleted Halsand from my life for 6 months, and I'm honestly thinking I should just do it again. I don't know right now if my motivation for ending things is purely because it's the only thing I can do. I can't control any aspect of the relationship besides ending it.

I've been speaking to Stein for well over a month now, and it's amazing how we've both grown up so much and yet the best of the playfulness that came some easily to us is still very much a presence. I'm not saying I've fallen back in love with him, but it's certainly something I can envision happening if we spend any real time together. Thankfully he lives hundreds of miles away and I'm broke so the chances of me dropping nearly £100 on enough petrol to drive to his place and back are pretty fucking slim.

Unlike me.

I am very fucking fat.

I haven't gained any weight in the last month (on balance, in any case. I shot up and down but seem to have landed where I started when I logged back in here in May.)

That said, with Stein I do feel like I'm maybe just a distraction while he's at work because I barely hear from him at weekends. I don't know. I really don't know. It's all so weird and complicated.

When I think about it, I believe that my parents' relationship is pretty amazing considering that they are both quite difficult, damaged people. They've been married for 27 years, dating since they were 18. But I forget that my mum was dating someone else when they met, and dated them both for a while. Maybe it's in my blood to want more than one lover can give me. Or, at least, more than any of mine are willing or able to commit.

I don't have any food in my house. I'm thinking of going raw vegan for the foreseeable. Being vegan was so good for my soul, and so good for my body. Watermelon for lunch was a very good start.

It's Monday tomorrow. I'm seeing Halsand on Thursday. We'll see what happens then, I guess, but I'd be lying if I said I Wasn't tempted to block him right now without warning.

Anew

16.10

It begins.

Nocturnal

Hello void, my old friend.

Well... a lot has changed in the last three years, but one thing stays the same. I am fat. Sweet fuck, I am SO fat.

I don't even know where to begin. Loki is gone, has been since the late summer of when I wrote that last post. He was never really meant to be mine. I was always just a siren at the sea's edge, when he was always meant to stay land-bound. Happy or otherwise. I haven't spoken to him in years. I dream about him sometimes, but I am being honest when I say I don't miss him.

I have had a boyfriend since then - let's call him Erik because he looked like a viking. We were together 6 months before I found out that he'd been cheating on me the whole time with the friend he told me not to worry about. More fool me for pretending that she didn't worry me. She's thinner than me but definitely uglier, and he calls me now and again to relate his misery. He really ought not to confide his troubles in someone who derives such pleasure from his misfortune. What can I say, I earned this schadenfreude.

I dated a man called Benjen for a while before he decided he didn't want the commitment. He then dated another girl and did the same to her, and contacted me to say he'd done so. We met up twice. We fucked both times. I think we both regret it.

There have been other lovers, but none who really meant anything. Nobody worth crying over. Except, of course, for Halsand. We met not long after things ended with Loki and I wanted him on first sight. It took over a year for things to escalate, and nearly a year after that for us to start sleeping together. He's married. He has a child. He swears one day he'll leave them for me, but he's broken that promise before. I didn't speak to him for six months. I'm fairly certain there's no happy ending for us. But that doesn't stop me hoping. Even HE has started to lose weight lately, but that's mostly because the sex is terrible and he wants to improve his stamina.

Asa still gets in touch now and again. And even Stein is back and flirting. In the words of one of my tallest friends, I must have a magic vagina.

I changed jobs at the same company a few times before leaving for a much better job at a much better company. I'm a bit rusty though - after a few months of doing a job a coordinated monkey could do I've forgotten how to put in a full day's work. I need more discipline. But that's a more general need than just my career right now. I can probably apply it to every aspect of my life.

I bought a house. It's pretty unbelievable. My finances are in ruin. But I bought a house and I live in it. It's a mess. It costs me a fortune. It's still not finished. But it's mine, and I did huge amounts of it on my own, physically and financially.

So, why am I back?

I love Halsand. I love him more than I've loved anyone. And still I cheated on him with Benjen. And still I'm considering cheating on him with Stein. This is the only place that I will ever admit that I am actively trying to get pregnant. Halsand thinks I'm on the pill. I used condoms with Benjen. I figure maybe if I'm carrying Halsand's child he might finally find the fucking courage to start that conversation with his wife. Maybe he'll commit to me. But who knows. Maybe we aren't meant to have babies. Maybe we aren't meant to be together. Only time will be able to tell, because I honestly don't have a fucking clue. I've wanted to be thin since I was young enough to realise that I wasn't. But I would give up the attempt if it meant I got to keep him. Do I cheat because he still sleeps next to his wife every night? I hope so. I want to believe if I had him whole, and didn't share him with the wife who he (mutually) no longer loves, I would have enough. But it's not enough for me now. Love isn't enough.

Do you know what else I can't get enough of? Fucking food. I am a whale. It doesn't seem to stop me from getting laid, but I feel turgid and revolting. My belly has never been so enormous. If I didn't know better I'd say I was already several months pregnant. I'm not. Even if I AM pregnant, which I don't think I am, it would only be a couple of weeks. Not enough to excuse this vastness. Oh, and my thyroid doesn't fucking work, which surprises nobody. But the meds aren't enough to negate my total fucking lack of willpower.

The one person I could rely on for thoughts like this, to help me get back into the mindset of starvation, is in recovery. I want her to stay in recovery, because I don't want to lose her. So for the first time, I am doing this alone. Totally alone. Because I know that as much as my mother wants me to lose weight there is something in her that tries to sabotage me at every turn. My brother is getting married in November and I am the fattest bridesmaid. November isn't so far away, but I have time. I have to use every day. I have to starve, every day.

I want to see Stein. I can admit that to myself. But he lives nearly 250 miles away and last time I fucked him I was two stone lighter and he was about 4 stone heavier. I WILL NOT SEE HIM when he looks so much better and I look so much worse, I refuse. I will not see him until I'm lower than the lowest weight I was when we were together. That was 5 years and nearly 4 stone ago. I will not see him until I am thinner than I was when he loved me.

It's more or less easy enough not to eat while I'm at work. I forgot the joy of sugarless coffee on an empty stomach, it felt like an old friend. Living alone has not been good for me, eating-wise, and I ate a LOT of shit this weekend. But this is it. I will not let myself get any fatter. I have to get a grip of this, now, before a wedding where photos will be taken that will haunt me for the rest of my days. Today was my last day eating junk until then.

I will consecrate this new intention with a 24 hour fast.

24 hours without speaking to my past or present lovers.
24 hours without food.
24 hours without spending money.

Starting at 9pm tonight, ending at 9pm tomorrow. I have to end the cycle of ruin and shock Ylva into waking.

Oh, Ylva. You thought I'd forgotten about her. I had, for a while. But I remember her now. And, my god, how I have missed her.

Pins

15.10

I’m back.

I tried finding happiness elsewhere. I tried to discover the joy in my body. I tried to ignore my casing and concentrate on the contents. But I couldn’t do it.

I fell for someone, someone else’s. Their love died before we met, but I catalysed the decay. My soul tells me that he was built for me, and that I am moulded for him. We’ll call him Loki. He is mischief and disorder. Since I told him in December that I love him my heart has burned. We’ve kissed and I’ve waited and some days I am sure that if I’m good enough, if I’m patient enough, if I love him enough, he’ll come to me for good and I’ll keep him like a promise.

But finding something to love in my body hasn’t worked. When he touches me I recoil. I guess he thinks that I don’t want him to touch me, but that’s only because I feel so flabby. I like his hands, so why would I let him lose them in my flesh? My whole carcass is like quicksand.

I found four dresses.

They don’t fit me yet but they will.

I have to lose six inches off my bust and another six off my waist to fit them.

I will.

I need to stay away from love for just a little while. I need to send the fire to my muscles and my guts and hope the flames make a furnace there the way they have in my heart. 

Ylva

I think she heard me.

In case you're new to me and have no idea who Ylva is, she is my wolf. She lives inside me. And when I starve, she starves. And when she starves she starts to eat her way out. Which, really, is the goal.

There's some saying about a sculptor talking about finding the figures that are already in the marble and just chipping away to release them. Well, this is the opposite, really. She's devouring me from the inside, and one day the roles will be reversed. I will live inside her and she will be free.

I know, by the way, that what I have just told you makes no logical sense. I know that it sounds stupid and a tiny bit loco. But it's the only way I have found to describe the way it feels, going from fat to thin. And Ylva's hunger impacts my mood. If she's too well-fed she's docile and domesticated, and so am I.  I stay quiet and alone and keep my voice and passions to myself. When Ylva is sleeping off too much food I lose all of my confidence. When she's hungry and angry it lights a fires inside me and I'm funny, I'm clever, I'm open and occasionally show flashes of creativity that otherwise wouldn't be possible. You see?  I need her. We are part of each other. If her hunger is satisfied I am unhappy. Is she is dissatisfied I shine. We are equal and opposite, in everything.

A week of nothing but raw vegetables and oats and fruit seem to have left her hungry and, as a result, I've had a weight drop this week for the first time in months. I've been getting smaller (my thighs I the mirror today look the best they have looked in years. Not good, but so much better.) but until now my weight has remained the same. Until now.

As much as Ylva and I are often at odds, I think she knows when I really need her to just take a bite out of me. Because, when she does? It feels like burning gold. 

Peel

I'm trying. Honestly, I am. 

So many things in my life are slotting into place. My job is fucking incredible. My fitness is improving and I train three days a week. I'm more consistent with writing my book than I have been in months. I have a man who really likes me and is keen to take care of me. I'm feeling the benefits of all of these things. 

So why does my life still feel kind of empty? 

I think my evenings, aside for my training, are kind of empty. I watch TV with my mum. That's pretty much it. My weekends seem full without anything ever being achieved. I don't think the guy I have is the right guy for me. I'm not being as creative as I want to be. And while I'm losing volume I'm not losing weight as fast as I want. 

Something is missing in my life. A sense of excitement or danger or a spark of some sort. I don't want to sound ungrateful, really I don't. Compared to the absolute misery of the end of last year I am living a total dream. But I just feel like there's a hole that needs filling. I know I've always been chasing thrills and that I thrive on a certain amount of chaos in the modern sense the word but I feel chaotic in the ancient sense of emptiness and wide nothingness. I feel like my fire is choking and I don't know why. 

I don't know why I feel down but I do. And I feel guilty for feeling down when things are going so well, because they are. I need something. 

And every day I miss Galakse. 

He got in touch on Monday night saying that he missed me and that he's getting better slowly but then didn't say anything else. I don't know what it think, really. I miss him too. I miss him a lot. But I'm so angry with him, I don't know what I'm supposed to feel. Mostly I feel sad and rejected. 

I'll be fine. I'm always fine. I'm doing a life drawing class on Friday so that will be cool. Maybe that will ignite something in me. I have no idea. 

I really can't organise my thoughts right now.